


Illusions

by SyntheticWinter



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-09-21
Packaged: 2017-12-27 05:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SyntheticWinter/pseuds/SyntheticWinter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto has no illusions that this means anything to Jack, and he’s trying hard not to let it mean anything to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Illusions

Ianto has no illusions that this means anything to Jack, and he’s trying hard not to let it mean anything to him.

Even in the dark, long after the others have gone, when Jack is wrapped around Ianto in the closeness of his bunker, Ianto knows it means nothing. He is just a convenient warm body. Jack could have anyone; Ianto is just the closest. 

He wonders sometimes, in the dark hours between dusk and dawn, if things could have been different. Wonders if they could have had something real, something beyond the physical release, spectacular though that was. It’s an occasional fantasy of his, though he would never admit it. Him and Jack, a couple. Doing… couple-y things. He tries not to let himself think about it too much. Every time he does, it causes a sort of ache deep in his chest. 

He refuses to think about what that means.

There are times when he thinks that maybe, just maybe, Jack feels the same. Moments when he touches Ianto without sexual intent, brushing against his arm or shoulder casually, giving his hand a quick squeeze as he passes. Moments when the others see and Ianto can barely keep from smiling. Those moments multiply dramatically after Jack returns from his travels with the Doctor, and for the first time in a long while, Ianto has a faint hope that things can change.

But other things never change. After they have sex, Jack still leaves. He lets Ianto remain in the bunker on the cramped, uncomfortable bed that smells of Jack, and he goes off… somewhere. Ianto has never found the courage to ask where. He figures it’s a roof somewhere, but the other possibilities… That’s another thing he tries not to think about.

Jack still shuts him out, and he is not brave enough to push his way in. He wants to be someone Jack can confide in, can trust, but he knows he never will be. Jack doesn’t see him that way. Never will, Ianto thinks. Not after everything he’s done or failed to do. The ghosts of Lisa and Brecon Beacons and Abaddon weigh heavily on him.

He wonders sometimes if that is the reason Jack keeps him close – to keep an eye on him. 

He dismisses the thought each time it creeps in. His opinion of Jack is not so low as to think the man would sleep with someone just to make sure they don’t get into trouble. He knows that on some level, Jack cares for him. 

He tries so hard not to fall in love, but of course it doesn’t work. Jack is easy to love, and Ianto has never been much good at casual, anyway. His chest tightens at the thought of Jack one day leaving him, though he knows it’s bound to happen eventually. 

He knows one day he’ll be just a memory – if Jack remembers him at all.

Jack notices something is wrong. He takes to watching Ianto even more than he normally does, eyes tracking his movements across the hub, studying, calculating. It makes Ianto uncomfortable. He withdraws what he thinks is a safe distance, trying not to let Jack see what he’s feeling. He’s all mixed up, and he doesn’t want to drag Jack into that. Better to keep what they have between them than to lose everything.

So he smiles and he flirts and he lets Jack lead him to the bunker below his office. And he shuts his eyes and tries to ignore the ache in his chest. And when Jack leaves to his rooftop or wherever again, he rolls over, buries his face in Jack’s pillow, and lets himself break.


End file.
